slow riot
I should get a life 
Posts: 2163
Registered: 4-9-2003 Status: Offline Mood: No Mood. |
| posted on 13-1-2007 at 21:19 |
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V/VM Job Application Form to Warp
funny and on point:
Sent: Thursday, December 14, 2006
Subject: V/Vm :Re: UK product assistant at Warp
Hello Sir Whippy-Warpy-Warpers,
i would like to offer my services to you in a working capacity as i love to work hard and think i could turn help turn things around at Warp.
Your main man Stevie Buscuit will know me from back in the days when Warp used to release cutting edge audio and i am sure will welcome my input as
your all new and shiny UK Product assistant as unlike most of the cocaine snorters you employ i actually know a little bit about the progression of
the U.K. electronic music scene. As i am currently winding my own operation down for a little while i figure this job opportunity is the one for me
and i can start on January the 3rd, 2007 and it's best to strike while the iron is still hot and what better way for me to finish up at V/Vm than
by starting a new role at Warp in the new year.
As we already have an excellent working relationship, through your stocking of V/Vm releases at Warp Mart and excellent distirbution of my MP3's
at Bleep i figure there is real positive springboard there for further advancement and a joining of forces to become the biggest and best there is.
I have a number of ideas to help you to back to the top and to help ensure that we hear more Boards of Canada music when there are gay scenes on T.V.
(like on the recent hollyoaks show) and to keep making all Warp music the soundrack to every U.K. T.V. documentary about something a bit wrong.
Firstly i am assuming the position is based in the lovely city of Sheffield ? I notice when i type Warp in google it states you are a Sheffield Techno
label and i think this is a wonderful thing. I am sure there have been many temptations to move your operation to London, but remaining in the North
is testimony to the vision and dedication to remain independent from the London scene which i hear isn't all that good.
I have already actively started looking for a bedsit in Sheffield and can't wait for those fun staff nights we will have at the Owlerton Stadium
on dogs night, or taking in some of the nightlife down there on the mean streets down in the red light district by the Grapes. It's going to be a
lot of fun working with you all and we are sure gonna have a lot of laughs on our social nights out.
I won't bother sending a CV in because i am sure i already got the job as i will show below using your own requirements and adding in my own
experience below. I heard that usually at Warp it kind of helps if you know someone. Stevie i know thinks of me like a brother, his own brother
N>E>D infact so i am sure you can't wait to start working with me. I also remember fondly his only U.K. hit "dirty cash" and play
it every single day of the year. Anyway here's some examples of why i got the job already and start on January 3rd.
- working with promo teams, agents and distributors
Over the last ten years i have worked with the biggest and best names out there including you and some of your artists already so this box is ticked
based on my back catalogue work alone. There is nothing, nothing i like more than working with Promo Teams and agents. These are my people, they
represent everything i am and i love the fact most of them know where to get good crack cocaine. Snorting in the toilets with them on a night out or
before a power meeting is one of my biggest strengths and essential in the modern music industry.
- controlling budgets
Yeah, yeah as Abba once sang "money, money, money always sunny in the rich mans world". I started V/Vm on 300 pound notes and still have 300
pound notes so i can control a budget and make shit happen on a shoestring which where maximum profits (you are all about them) are concerned makes me
the total winner in the last ten years on the music scene. I would love to get access to your accounts and work out a series of promotion campaigns. I
can send you my detailed campaign for the next Autechre album and it doesn't even break the thirty six pound barrier. I am good at keeping costs
to a minimum and getting maximum impact.
- overseeing advertising
In all the years of V/Vm i have never placed an advert but would now given your backing propose an advertising campaign based on your use of Warp
music on T.V. shows. For example there is a big market for sexually confused teenagers and the recent use of Boards of Canada music to promote this
confused feeling on Hollyoaks could be exploited on a nationwide billboard campaign. Overseeing sounds great though, i would love to oversee
something. Does this mean i have a team of coke heads who will go to Designers Republic and get some of the latest in cutting edge adverts which then
have to be placed in the coolest magazines ? Wow that sounds unreal. Count me in. I am your advertising king. Not only that i also think there's
a place for a WARP style "been injured in an accident" advert campaign where those who have been injured and are seeking compensation are
offered free Jimmy Edgar discs and given a half price discount on Jackson and Clarke albums based on them showing proof of their claim and/or injury.
- Organising & hiring equipment, travel planning
Oh I love a good trip so am happy to plan some travel for your artists. I believe there are some excellent one way deals to some places, so if
there's someone you don't like i would be happy to book them a non return ticket to the middle of nowhere. I also have an excellent hiring
record when it comes to equipment and know a team of people who could probably rob what you need thus cutting down on long term hiring costs and
keeping profits up and up and up and up. Recently i planned a great day out and it went really well so thanks for asking the question.
- Sales and market analysis
I love sales, i am totally motivated to make sure everything i ever do sells real well and can be seen in every shop. Go into London now with Stevie
Biscuit and i promise you will see V/Vm releases everywhere in prominent positions in all of the high street stores. Even in Harrods these days there
is actually a V/Vm section close to the Mohammed Al fayed's english sasauge stand. Market analysis is also something i love, predicting trends
before they happen so i can cash in by getting an artist to copy the latest style is my kind of heaven. I loved the way you identified for instance
that the world needed a more edgey Jamiroquai and hey presto there he was, Jamie Liddell. This is why you guys are the best and keep making a lot of
money. You are my heroes and i just can't wait to be working with you all, we are gonna have so much fun in the Steel City spending real pound
notes on bad drugs.
- Distribution of Promotional materials.
This will be a pleasure. I propose to just drop all of your new releases in random places and give them to the coolest people out there to create a
BUZZ. I think really you could be doing more to make the elderly aware of products. This is an area Warp have failed to target, the grey generation
who love a little bit of melody and entertainment. I propose a distribution deal with SAGA and also Help The Aged to begin with and possibly a deal
with the United Kingdom pensions people so maybe a couple of times a year when it's pension day a free Warp sampler is given to everyone
collecting their money. I think some designers republic Warp slippers to go with their winter fuel payments would be a nice touch. As you can see i am
full of exciting and advanced ideas for your marketing campaigns and can be the spark to start the fire down there in your Sheffield Office.
To wrap this up as i know you've probably been inundated with applications from friends and relations but i am that certain the job shall be mine
that I have already booked a one way ticket to Sheffield station and will be there at 11pm on the 3rd of January to start work. One request i do have
is that it might be a good idea to have my desk out of eyeshot of Stevie B's desk to begin with as the temptation to shit in his desk drawer or
shit on one of those lucrative television contracts maybe too much to ignore, but that feeling i promise will fade, once i am brainwashed into
believing the cult of Warp/EMI.
I am sure you can convert me and pray we will be together soon in Sheffield, surrounded by the hills and not too far away from the moors.
Many thanks for your time and i look forward to starting work with you soon. As for a salery i am prepared to start work on the simple sum of £6.66
per hour which will rise when the feeling that i want to empty my bowels in Steve Beckett's drawer has subsided.
All the very best of luck with your sales upto Christmas (i love the recent retrospective push and lookback at 2006 - it's nice that you look
back and there's an option right there to buy once again everything you have released this year) Looking towards the next calender year i wish
you all the very best at Warp for now and forever and ever and ever and ever.
Your new employee starting 3rd of January (will Steve meet me at the station??)
James Kirby
X
www.brainwashed.com/vvm
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Monkey Chops
Senior Member
Posts: 686
Registered: 17-10-2002 Location: Abingdon Status: Offline Mood: Kung Fu Baby! |
| posted on 13-1-2007 at 21:45 |
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I'd actually love to work at Warp.
Frank DuFresne: I'm a conscientious objector.
Tucker: A consci--who?
Frank DuFresne: I'm a pacifist.
Caboose: You're a thing that babies suck on?
Tucker: No dude, that's a paedophile.
Church: Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.
Tucker: Oh yeah, right. Man, I was totally thinking of something else.
Church: That's real classy, Tucker.
www.redvsblue.com
"People often ask where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree on Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy. It's that I
believe he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet Earth (a little to the Left)." Bill Hicks
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Matt Paradise
Moderator
Posts: 3693
Registered: 17-10-2002 Location: BACK IN DA HOOD Status: Offline Mood: Pimpin |
| posted on 14-1-2007 at 11:47 |
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I didn't like it.
I often go to sleep with pyjama bottoms, socks and a t-shirt on. When I awake I am naked. This is a popular phenomenon, known in scientific circles as
theft. My family members steal my clothes in the night and sell them down the market. I often walk to work and see kids wearing the clothes that only
the night before I was sleeping in. It is a disturbing development.
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RadioEd
Moderator
Posts: 3266
Registered: 2-10-2003 Location: away Status: Offline Mood: LIVIN' |
| posted on 14-1-2007 at 11:59 |
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so obviously contrived. very lame.
http://www.alphalets.com/
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slow riot
I should get a life
Posts: 2163
Registered: 4-9-2003 Status: Offline Mood: No Mood. |
| posted on 14-1-2007 at 12:51 |
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| Quote: | Originally posted by RadioEd
so obviously contrived. |
what does that mean?
Personally I think the piece is quite brilliant. Warp have quite obviously been living off of former glories for far too long now. And as many would
consider them to be the pinnacle of the British electronic music scene, they have something of a responsibility to keep it alive by searching out new
artists with something new to say, rather than working out new ways to make money from safe bets. The thing about Jamie Liddell was more than amusing.
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RadioEd
Moderator
Posts: 3266
Registered: 2-10-2003 Location: away Status: Offline Mood: LIVIN' |
| posted on 14-1-2007 at 14:19 |
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an indulgent excercise in self-promotion or something rather than an effective critique of the direction warp's been heading in. although i
completely agree with what you've said about their responsibility to uphold their experimental and innovative sensibilities, the dig at
liddell's brand of humanist tech (particularly the super collider, muddlin gear type stuff) is entirely unfounded. there's nowt wrong with a
bit of soul.
http://www.alphalets.com/
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Monkey Chops
Senior Member
Posts: 686
Registered: 17-10-2002 Location: Abingdon Status: Offline Mood: Kung Fu Baby! |
| posted on 14-1-2007 at 14:24 |
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Do you mean finding new electronic artists, Slow Riot? Hm. Imo I don't think there's really very much left for electronic music to do,
mainly because it's so cerebral. In the last year, there has only been once decent electronic album for me - 'Silent Shout' - and even
that sounds like something Two Lone Swordsmen could have churned out back in 2000. I just can't see where else the genre can go, really.
[Edited on 14-1-2007 by Monkey Chops]
Frank DuFresne: I'm a conscientious objector.
Tucker: A consci--who?
Frank DuFresne: I'm a pacifist.
Caboose: You're a thing that babies suck on?
Tucker: No dude, that's a paedophile.
Church: Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.
Tucker: Oh yeah, right. Man, I was totally thinking of something else.
Church: That's real classy, Tucker.
www.redvsblue.com
"People often ask where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree on Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy. It's that I
believe he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet Earth (a little to the Left)." Bill Hicks
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slow riot
I should get a life
Posts: 2163
Registered: 4-9-2003 Status: Offline Mood: No Mood. |
| posted on 14-1-2007 at 14:43 |
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| Quote: | Originally posted by Monkey
Chops
Do you mean finding new electronic artists, Slow Riot? Hm. Imo I don't think there's really very much left for electronic music to do,
mainly because it's so cerebral. In the last year, there has only been once decent electronic album for me - 'Silent Shout' - and even
that sounds like something Two Lone Swordsmen could have churned out back in 2000. I just can't see where else the genre can go, really.
[Edited on 14-1-2007 by Monkey Chops] |
Hmm, I think this is pretty representative of what Mr. V/VM is on about. That the 'warp attitude' has coaxed you into believing that the
take that early warp artists had on electronic music is the only avenue for exploration with circuits and music. And now that they've been
relying on this formula for so long, it has made many people think that there is nowhere left for electronic music to turn.
I believe, that, on the contrary electronic music has everywhere to turn, people have only began to scratch the surface of what can be achieved from
interconnected algorithms controlled by human expression. And if warp would rather make money than try and find out exactly which people are going to
start ushering in this new age, then we can only hope that someone else will.
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Monkey Chops
Senior Member
Posts: 686
Registered: 17-10-2002 Location: Abingdon Status: Offline Mood: Kung Fu Baby! |
| posted on 14-1-2007 at 14:52 |
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I don't think Warp can be blamed for something like that. They're not the only label on the planet releasing this stuff. If you have
examples of anything innovative or avant garde in the truest sense of the word, I'd be damn excited to hear it! But yeah, like I said before,
only 'Silent Shout' attempts anything remotely 'new' in the past year; which is not good at all.
Frank DuFresne: I'm a conscientious objector.
Tucker: A consci--who?
Frank DuFresne: I'm a pacifist.
Caboose: You're a thing that babies suck on?
Tucker: No dude, that's a paedophile.
Church: Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.
Tucker: Oh yeah, right. Man, I was totally thinking of something else.
Church: That's real classy, Tucker.
www.redvsblue.com
"People often ask where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree on Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy. It's that I
believe he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet Earth (a little to the Left)." Bill Hicks
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slow riot
I should get a life
Posts: 2163
Registered: 4-9-2003 Status: Offline Mood: No Mood. |
| posted on 14-1-2007 at 14:53 |
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| Quote: | Originally posted by RadioEd
an indulgent excercise in self-promotion or something rather than an effective critique of the direction warp's been heading in. although i
completely agree with what you've said about their responsibility to uphold their experimental and innovative sensibilities, the dig at
liddell's brand of humanist tech (particularly the super collider, muddlin gear type stuff) is entirely unfounded. there's nowt wrong with a
bit of soul. |
I dunno man, I'm pretty sure V/VM is not into doing things for self promotion, Mr S. Leppard for one can testify to that.
And I don't think it was meant as an effective critique, just a bit of humourous shit stirring.
And nah I don't think there's anything especially wrong with liddell's soul stuff, but it being released on a label who brought us LFO
and Autechre is a little odd. Again I think that was more of a humourous jibe than a serious critique.
I think the main think that inspired the protest from V/VM was Boards of Cananda being whored out to Hollyoaks, and the impression that he got of the
company's intentions based on the qualities they are highlighting in their job advert.
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slow riot
I should get a life
Posts: 2163
Registered: 4-9-2003 Status: Offline Mood: No Mood. |
| posted on 14-1-2007 at 15:07 |
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| Quote: | Originally posted by Monkey
Chops
I don't think Warp can be blamed for something like that. They're not the only label on the planet releasing this stuff. If you have
examples of anything innovative or avant garde in the truest sense of the word, I'd be damn excited to hear it! But yeah, like I said before,
only 'Silent Shout' attempts anything remotely 'new' in the past year; which is not good at all. |
It's difficult, as the most exciting electronic music that is currently being produced is primarily for the dancefloor, and none of that stuff
really translates well to the living room. which was one of early warp's main strengths, very good cerebral 'home listening' music.
Whereas dance records, on their own, are long, repetitive and bulky, sculpted for the dj and all the melted brains on the dancefloor, and would most
likely bore the pants off you if you listened at home (I know most of my stuff would).
Actually, you'd probably enjoy Burial, check out his self titled album if you haven't already, to paraphrase someone who described it damn
near perfectly it's 'the sound of a haunted pirate radio station transmitting forgotten rave anthems from beyond the grave'. really
beautiful music.
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Monkey Chops
Senior Member
Posts: 686
Registered: 17-10-2002 Location: Abingdon Status: Offline Mood: Kung Fu Baby! |
| posted on 14-1-2007 at 15:22 |
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| Quote: | Originally posted by slow riot
It's difficult, as the most exciting electronic music that is currently being produced is primarily for the dancefloor, and none of that stuff
really translates well to the living room. which was one of early warp's main strengths, very good cerebral 'home listening'
music. |
You're not wrong. I had my homemade Warp compilation playing in the background when I came across this thread.
| Quote: | Originally posted by slow
riot
Whereas dance records, on their own, are long, repetitive and bulky, sculpted for the dj and all the melted brains on the dancefloor, and
would most likely bore the pants off you if you listened at home (I know most of my stuff would). |
Agreed 100%.
| Quote: | Originally posted by slow
riot
Actually, you'd probably enjoy Burial, check out his self titled album if you haven't already, to paraphrase someone who
described it damn near perfectly it's 'the sound of a haunted pirate radio station transmitting forgotten rave anthems from beyond the
grave'. really beautiful music. |
Just heard a few tracks and d/ling of soulseek right now until I can get to a store to buy the CD. You're right - this is right up my alley.
Thanks!
Frank DuFresne: I'm a conscientious objector.
Tucker: A consci--who?
Frank DuFresne: I'm a pacifist.
Caboose: You're a thing that babies suck on?
Tucker: No dude, that's a paedophile.
Church: Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.
Tucker: Oh yeah, right. Man, I was totally thinking of something else.
Church: That's real classy, Tucker.
www.redvsblue.com
"People often ask where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree on Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy. It's that I
believe he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet Earth (a little to the Left)." Bill Hicks
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i am sam
I should get a life
Posts: 4427
Registered: 30-10-2002 Location: same as it ever was Status: Offline Mood: sam i am |
| posted on 14-1-2007 at 16:37 |
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| Quote: |
I dunno man, I'm pretty sure V/VM is not into doing things for self promotion, Mr S. Leppard for one can testify to that.
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consider this post me testifying.
v/vm hold a place in my top 5 gigs ever.
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Matt Paradise
Moderator
Posts: 3693
Registered: 17-10-2002 Location: BACK IN DA HOOD Status: Offline Mood: Pimpin |
| posted on 14-1-2007 at 16:41 |
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Sam killed Simon's club night with V/vm
I often go to sleep with pyjama bottoms, socks and a t-shirt on. When I awake I am naked. This is a popular phenomenon, known in scientific circles as
theft. My family members steal my clothes in the night and sell them down the market. I often walk to work and see kids wearing the clothes that only
the night before I was sleeping in. It is a disturbing development.
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slow riot
I should get a life
Posts: 2163
Registered: 4-9-2003 Status: Offline Mood: No Mood. |
| posted on 14-1-2007 at 16:49 |
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| Quote: | Originally posted by i am sam
consider this post me testifying.
v/vm hold a place in my top 5 gigs ever. |
that night was totally ridiculous in the best possible way. I don't think he actually played a single piece of equipment of sung a single word
throughout the whole, err, 'performance'. absolutlely genius.
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i am sam
I should get a life
Posts: 4427
Registered: 30-10-2002 Location: same as it ever was Status: Offline Mood: sam i am |
| posted on 14-1-2007 at 21:13 |
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| Quote: | Originally posted by Matt
Paradise
Sam killed Simon's club night with V/vm |
i thank you.
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Hollis Brown
Member
Posts: 150
Registered: 17-10-2004 Status: Offline Mood: No Mood. |
| posted on 16-1-2007 at 15:34 |
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| Quote: | Originally posted by Monkey
Chops
I don't think Warp can be blamed for something like that. They're not the only label on the planet releasing this stuff. If you have
examples of anything innovative or avant garde in the truest sense of the word, I'd be damn excited to hear it! But yeah, like I said before,
only 'Silent Shout' attempts anything remotely 'new' in the past year; which is not good at all. |
I canâ??t really comment on the whole warp thing, Iâ??m far too new to all this to put it in historical perspective, although i did enjoy the grizzly
bear album. In my opinion last year wasnâ??t a good year for new music anyway.
There was, however, a small amount of interesting off-dancefloor avant-garde/home listening music. New and interesting stuff came from the sessions
with Steve Reid and Kieron Hebden and the last conjoint album was pretty good (although there was admittedly more than a hint of in a silent way). In
other areas, max richer had a good effort with his songs from before and Johann Johansson released another good album of interesting modern classical
music. Colleen also had a nice record made from music boxes and i think mountains released something as well.
Wasn't it Warp that released the two Battles eps last year? they were pretty good.
The Burial Album seems to be an around success wherever you look.
[Edited on 16-1-2007 by Hollis Brown]
And when i get to Memphis
I'll put a sign up on the door
"It's OK to disturb me, that's what i came here for"
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Monkey Chops
Senior Member
Posts: 686
Registered: 17-10-2002 Location: Abingdon Status: Offline Mood: Kung Fu Baby! |
| posted on 23-1-2007 at 19:34 |
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I like the dubstep stuff. I was checking out the Boxcutter album the other day and thought it was effing marvelous.
Frank DuFresne: I'm a conscientious objector.
Tucker: A consci--who?
Frank DuFresne: I'm a pacifist.
Caboose: You're a thing that babies suck on?
Tucker: No dude, that's a paedophile.
Church: Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.
Tucker: Oh yeah, right. Man, I was totally thinking of something else.
Church: That's real classy, Tucker.
www.redvsblue.com
"People often ask where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree on Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy. It's that I
believe he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet Earth (a little to the Left)." Bill Hicks
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slow riot
I should get a life
Posts: 2163
Registered: 4-9-2003 Status: Offline Mood: No Mood. |
| posted on 23-1-2007 at 19:58 |
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mmm dubstep.
My favourite producer is probably Shackleton, he's a complete magician in my opinion. Though there are many other hugely talented musicians, like
Digital Mystikz, Loefah and Skream.
Not actually listened to any Boxcutter, though I really should.
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